It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies

and sex on TV

But where are those

good oldfashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man

who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... A...

Fam... ily... Guy!

Subtitles : Brass

Transcript : Raceman

Oh, this is

so exciting.

Maybe we'll get lucky

and see another crash this year.

Yeah, we can get some souvenirs.

Last year, I got an altimeter

and a shinbone.

Eh, this is boring

I'd rather be home watching

that video from The Ring.

Peter, don't...

they say if you

watch that video you die.

Ah, that's a lot

of baloney.

We can build

this thing together

Standing strong forever

Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Look, there's

Mr. Quagmire's plane!

Ladies and gentlemen,

keep your eye on the sky

for the aerial acrobatics

of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Whoa, gonna need some help here.

All right.

Wait a minute,

where...

Oh, my God,

where's Stewie?

Don't panic, Lois,

we'll find him.

I'm good at picking

people out of a crowd.

Oh, gosh, this is hard.

Um, yeah, could I get

a better look at number two?

And, number four

could you step forward, too?

Okay, uh, number five,

uh, look at number one.

Look at him like you haven't seen him

in a while and you're happy.

Okay, not too happy,

not too happy.

Pull it back,

pull it back.

Okay, and, um,

number three could you say,

"Julie, I promise to get back on

my feet before the baby arrives."

Julie, I promise to get back on

my feet before the baby arrives.

He's good.

Yeah, he's always good,

very good.

Yeah, yeah, okay, thank you.

Stewie? Stewie!

Hey, everybody,

it's Weenie and the Butt here

live at the Quahog Air Show.

We're all ready for

the Weenie soundalike contest.

I don't know, Butt,

I don't think they can say my

catchphrase, because...

"They no funny!"

Oh, there it is!

And if you think you can say

that just like Weenie here,

for the cool weekend ahe

We have a butt.

Wewe have a butt!

Cool weekends

Cool weekends in the morning

with Weenie and the Butt.

Ninetyseven!

Ninetyseven point one!

Wewe have a Butt!

In the morning,

cool weekends!

FM.

Weenie!

Weenie!

Weenie!

And the Butt.

And welcome back.

Uh, excuse II got

to find a lost kid.

Can I use your mic?

That's what

she said.

Whoa,

you got Buttslammed!

Listen, I could really

use a hand here.

That's what

he said!

Butt slam!

That's Manic Monkey

Cool weekends

in the morning!

All weekend long.

Weenie and the Butt!

In the morning.

On the rrradio.

FM!

Gimme that.

Stewie Griffin, will you please

report to the radio booth.

Stewie Griffin.

Hey, that's quite a

voice you've got there.

You ever think

about doing radio?

Well, uh, I listen

to a lot of radio.

Peter and Lois leave the radio on

when they go out

so I feel like somebody's home.

Well, here's

my card.

Call me if

you're interested.

Hey, okay, we've got

our first contestant.

Let's hear

Weenie's catchphrase.

They no

funny.

I think we have

a weener.

And that's Dicky

Dicky the Punchline Donkey,

Cool weekends.

On the radio!

In thethe... morning!

FM.

Cool.

WQHG!

Cool weekends!

In the morning.

On Ninetyseven...

Point one.

Ninetyseven point one.

And now back to Round Table,

with Al Michaels,

Harold Ramis, Ray Rono,

and Kermit the Frog.

There zoning laws are infringing

on the rights of citizens...

Uh, if I might interrupt for a minute,

I'd like to point out that

You've hyour time.

Let someone else speak.

I haven't said a word.

It was that guy.

Don't look at me, I can't get

a word in edgewise.

Well, then who the hell's

been talking this whole time?

Thelma!

Hello, darling.

Oh, my God, what

a pleasant surprise.

Mom, what are you

doing here?

Peter,

I left your father.

What?

Wait, wait, wait,

hang on a second.

I never see you, and then

you finally come visit me

and you drop

a bombshell like this?

This is just like what happened

at the Peanuts reunion.

Stupid song!

What are you looking at?

Yeah, it's me.

Your old punching bag,

Charlie Brown.

Everybody wish Snoopy was here

and Woodstock?

Everybody wish Snoopy

and Woodstock was here?

Well, they're de

And guess what?

I sold Snoopy the junk.

That's right,

he got it from me!

I swear I didn't know

how strong it was.

And now he's de

They're both de

I don't give a crap

about Woodstock,

but Snoopy...

Get off me, you skank!

I can't believe

you left D

I have needs

that he didn't satisfy.

And I'm still

a young woman, Peter.

I'm putting my fine ass

back on the market.

Boy, this is really going

to upset my evil brother, Thaddeus.

Nyah... this will surely affect

my inheritance... nyah.

Hi, I'm Brian Griffin,

and you're listening

to The Lunch Hour,

serving up food for the mind.

Today's entree is politics.

What's on your mind today?

The governor's budget,

stem cell research?

Give us a hot spoonful

of your opinion.

Ok, we have a question

from Quahog.

Caller, you're on

The Lunch Hour.

Can I take your order?

Yes, uh, I'll have a big helping

of the pretentious crap.

Whoa, sometimes the, uh,

crazy ones get through.

Okay, we have Rose,

from Cranston, on the phone.

Welcome, Rose,

can I take your order?

Um, yes, that turkey, that

that raw turkey that you ate

off the counter last week

that got Lois m

when you pooped that out

was the timer still in there?

And we're out of time.

This has been The Lunch Hour.

Join us next week, when our

guest will be Gore Vidal.

And remember,

life is full of entrees,

so don't fill up on bre

I'm going to throw you now

to Weenie and The Butt

in the afternoon.

Weenie and the Butt!

Ninetyseven point one

In the afternoon.

In the afternoon.

Oh, my God.

WQHG!

Turn it on

and rip the knob off!

You're listening

to the radio!

Sir, I'm very sorry.

Thatthat was this guy I know.

He thinks he's hilarious.

He is hilarious!

I was on my way in here

to cancel your show,

but the banter you did

with that guy,

well, as we say

in the radio business,

"If you put that on the radio,

people will listen to it!"

Make him part of the show.

Oh, youyou don't want him.

He's not really

a professional like me.

Listen, you get

that kid in here.

We need more laughs on the show.

Well, I guess he couldn't be any worse

than Tim McCarver is at sportscasting.

In my view, as good as the Yankees were

in the first half of this game,

that's how as b

they've been now.

Poor Peter,

I know he's having

a hard time with this

whole divorce thing.

I feel kind of guilty that

I'm here looking for a date.

Thelma, stop that.

You have a right

to be happy.

Andand there's a lot

of great people here

Why don't you mingle?

Oh, my God,

Lois, you single now?!

No, Glen,

I'm here with Thelma.

Who's Thelma?

This is Thelma.

Eww!

I don't know if this

is gonna work, Lois.

I'm a little shy at

these types of things.

Oh, you can

overcome shyness.

Think of the spider in Charlotte's Web

who hto overcome Tourette's.

I don't know, Lois.

I haven't met a single

interesting person.

Good evening,

I'm Tom Tuer

trying to get back

on my feet

after having my ass handed to me

by my bitch of an exwife.

I'm Thelma.

I'll just be going.

Can I get you

some punch?

Oh, no, you see, if you're one

of ten million Americans like me...

Like me.

Like me.

...with a bladder

control problem,

punch just goes

right through you.

Eww!

I didn't hear you come

in last night.

Did you have a good time

at your prostitutes convention?

Peter, I was just trying

to help your mother

meet some new friends.

Lois, you're too nosey.

Like that waiter

at that restaurant.

And who hthe prime rib?

I hardly think that's any

of your business.

Come on, Mom,

you can't stay in bed all day.

You got to call dand get

back together with

Aah! Holy crap!

We'll have more on these

new developments after this.

I can't believe

what I saw in there.

You were messing around

in what was basically

my first apartment.

Peter, you should

be happy for her.

She's just having fun.

I don't see what

the problem is.

Tom is a wonderful man.

I don't see the problem, either,

but let's go to Ollie Williams

for the inepth analysis. Ollie?

Lady's old!

Thanks, Ollie,

over to you, Peter.

Tom Tucker, I forbid you

to see my mother.

Peter, you can't talk

to Tom that way.

He won a local Emmy for his work

with the retardeds.

They certainly wanted

to hug me.

Maybe in time, you will, too.

Thanks for watching;

I'm Tom Tucker.

Good night.

All right, look, let's get

one thing straight, Stewie.

The only reason you're here

is that my boss ordered me

to bring you on.

All right, this is my show,

and it's a serious,

intellectual hour of discussion and

I want to keep it that way.

Hey, no problem.

All right, in three, two, one...

This is The Lunch Hour

with your host...

Hey, what's up Quahog?!

From the station

that reaches the beaches,

you're listening

to Dingo and The Baby!

Dingo and the Baby

Oh, baby!

What the hell are you doing?

WhaWhat the hell does that have

to do with anything?

They're just wacky sounds,

you know to liven things up.

Dingo!

DDDingo!

Dingo

and the...

Baby!

Oh, sexy girlfriend!

Peter, would you stop spying

on your mother's date?

I can't stand it

anymore, Lois.

I'm going to put

a stop to this.

Hello?

Uh, hello, yes, uh, this is, uh,

this is Tom Tucker's personal physician,

Dr. T and the Women.

Um, could you tell Tom his contagious

penis cancer medicine is ready.

Is this Peter?

Uh, no, it's, uh, uh, Lois.

Uh, Lois, don't

crank call my mother.

I'm gonna have to

pinch you for that.

Ow, Peter,

don't pinch me!

Ow!

Ow... stop it!

Knock it off,

damn it!

Cut it out maybe I'll tickle you,

huh, how about that?!

No, don't.

Here you go,

tickle, tickle.

Cut it out!

Stop it!

I mean it!

I mean it!

Aah.

Aah... aah!

Well, I told you to stop!

I tickle you, you hit me

in the hewith a frying pan?!

I told you to stop!

I taste blood!

Well, there's a lot of it.

Hey there, champ.

Peter, I know this is all

a big adjustment for you,

but all I want is for

your mom to be happy.

Well, why can't she

go back with my d

Well, I can't answer that,

but I'm gonna do

my best to make her

even happier than those kids

on Three Wishes

with Amy Grant.

What's your wish, Billy?

Can you cure my cancer?

No, but how about

if SpiderMan gives you

HeHere, get well.

You know, I heard a

rumor about you today?

You did?

Yep.

I heard you like milk shakes.

Oh boy, do I!

Let's go get ourselves

a shake, huh?

Yeah!

I want to get

a milk shake, too.

Too b go get

your own father.

Hey, Carl, can I get a carton

of smokes, please?

Sure, Brian.

And uh, what's that little

rubber mailman

you got behind there?

Oh, you like that, huh?

Yeah, does

that thing squeak?

Yeah, it does.

All right, I'll take that,

and I'm gonna hurry home

and show it to Lois.

Hey, I'd recognize

that voice anywhere!

You're Dingo, that dog that plays

all those fart sounds on the radio!

Awesome!

Oh, yeah, yeah,

sorry about that,

the show's gotten

a little lowbrow.

What are you

talking about?!

It's, like, the most

hilarious show ever!

Hey, could I get

your autograph?

My... really?

Wow, you're... gosh,

you're making me feel

more important than

a dwarf among midgets.

Hey, can you reach

the Crispix?

Yes, I can.

How awesome is this going out

to dinner with my new family?

Hi, can I help you?

I want,

I want that one!

All right, hold on,

we'll get you that one.

I want straws!

We'll get you a straw.

You want a Kid's Meal?

No!

Do you mean, "yes"?

Yes!

Okay, one Kid's Meal.

And what'll you have,

honey?

I'll have a fish sandwich

and a Sanka.

Oh, he's adorable.

Say hi to the nice lady, Peter.

Aah.

Oh, he's shy.

I don't believe

in fretting and grieving

Why mess around with stride?

I never was cut out

to step and strut out

Give me the simple life

Some find it pleasant dining

on pheasants

Those things roll

off my knife

Just serve me tomatoes

and mashed potatoes

Give me the simple life.

We now return

to the Sunday afternoon movie:

Masturbator and Commander.

Captain, the enemy ship

has opened fire on us.

I'll be right out!

Sir, we've already

lost ten men.

Hang on!

Sir, don't you think

we should return fire?

Yeah, yeah, go

aheand do that,

and I'llI'll meet you up there

in like five minutes.

Peter, I've never seen

you so happy.

Well, Lois, I never realized

what it was like

to have a real d

I mean, my own d

was such a ballbuster,

II guess I just always

thought that was normal.

But Papa Tom is so different.

For the first time in my life,

I feel like I have

a real family, you know?

I mean I'mI'm not just going

through the motions

like I do around here.

Hey, champ, you want to

watch Chicken Little?

Yeah!

And what does

a chicken say?

"Moo!"

Why not.

Come on, Ma!

Hey, what gives

with the suitcase?

Tom, there's no easy way to say this,

I'll just come right out with it.

I'm leaving.

Wha

leaving, why?

Tommy, this has been great,

but I wasn't looking

for anything longterm.

I just needed someone to clear

all the bats out of my plumbing.

What do we do now Bill?

We write, Tim.

We write our story.

Good bye, dear.

It's all my fault!

Nyah!

I know it hurts right now, Peter,

but we'll get through this.

You're still my little buddy, right?

Yeah.

Then we'll be okay.

Good night, buddy.

Good night, Papa Tom.

Good night, son.

Good night, Lois.

Good night.

Peter, this is a little strange.

No stranger than when

Darth Vader was a meter maid.

Oh, come on, man,

cut me a break!

I was only in there

for like five minutes!

I already started writing the ticket.

You know, I make

your annual salary in a week.

Are you happy doing

what you're doing?

'Cause you're pathetic.

I got to do it, Karen.

I just... II got to take a shot.

That guy, that guy

just got to me today.

You do whatever you think is right,

and I'll it.

I don't really understand it.

What do you want this loan for?

I want to build a giant space station

that can destroy a planet.

I don't know that that would be

a good investment on our end.

I mean, I want to open

a sports bar.

Good morning, Quahog!

You're here with Dingo...

And the Baby...

And if you're thinking

about changing the station...

Don't... you do it!

Today, we got Homeless Hank from

the Dumpster out back with us.

Hey, I got an idea:

How about the first three women

willing to come down

and have sex with Hank

get free boob jobs

courtesy of Dr. John Viener?

Are you reading

my mind, man?

Let's go to the phones.

Go ahecaller, you're on

with Dingo and The Baby.

Is this Dingo?

Yes, honey,

what's your name?

Sindy, with an "S."

Ooh, hot.

Oh, yeah, that's

hot, that is hot.

Tell me something,

Sindy, how'd you like

to come down here

and get naked for us?

Sure.

Whoa!

I think we got a show.

Oh yeah, we got a show!

We definitely got a show!

Oh, yeah, there's a show!

"After all, AIDS is

a deadly, incurable disease.

But no matter how you come

to judge, Charles Wheeler

and his partners' unethical,

moral, and inhuman terms,

the fact of the matter is,

when they fired Andrew Beckett

because he hAIDS,

they broke the law."

My God,

what is wrong with you?

I swear to God, that was

supposed to be "Food Fight!"

I want some ice cream.

No, Peter, you finish your food.

You, hey, youyou get back here,

right now, mister!

Don't, don't you

get down from that chair,

or you're in big trouble.

You put that ice cream back

right now.

I mean it.

I am not kidding around.

I am not going to say it again.

Uh if you put that ice cream

in your mouth you're gonna be

in big trouble, young man!

Uh you uh, uh.

I hate you,

I hate you!

I want my mommy!

Well I'm the

best you've got!

All right,

so you know the drill.

We're going to turn

on the hot dog cannon,

and for every hot dog that you

catch in your mouth,

that you desperately need.

I know.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, a miss!

Aw, you got her in

the eye with that one.

Whoa, that one was

a teatseeking missile!

I'm looking for Brian Griffin.

Gore Vidal!

I was supposed to

do The Lunch Hour?

Uh... this is The Lunch Hour.

That one felt like my d

Incest in the morning.

Suppressed memories.

Ninetyseven point one!

I think I may have made

a mistake.

No, no, no, no, this is it.

You'reyou're

in the right place.

Uh, listen, uh, whywhy don't you stick

around and talk for a while.

My listeners would love

to hear about your new book.

Hundred dollars, boob job!

I'm, uh, going to go.

Oh, my God,

what have I done?

Hey, it's all

about ratings, baby,

and we got 'em.

No, it wasn't worth it.

I'm sorry, Stewie,

I can't do this anymore.

I'm more of a sellout

than you were when you did

those Butterfinger commercials.

Nobody better lay a finger

on my Butterfinger.

D'oh!

What's your problem?

Ah, Papa Tom's being a jerk.

At least he talks to you.

He's my dand he hasn't

paid attention to me in weeks.

Well, allinall,

you should be thankful.

I think the Kennedys h

a kid like you,

and they hit put to sleep.

Hey, Peter, I'm sorry about

that business with the ice cream.

I guess I'm just still a little torn up

about your mom.

But, hey, I'll make it up to you.

Let's play catch.

Okay!

Wait a minute,

you know what?

I think you should

play catch with Jake.

Really?

Yeah, I ha taste of what it was like

to have a real father.

I can't make him share his.

Well, all right, Peter,

come on, Jake.

Huh, I guess I've learned a

little something

about what it means

to be a good d

Hey, D

do you want to play baseball?

Oh, my God, could

you leave me alone!

You are the

neediest kid!

I can't believe

you gave up our show.

Yeah, sorry.

I wonder who they

got to replace us.

It's Magic Hour

with Dark Chocolate...

And The Rod.

In Rod we trust.

Ninetyseven point one!

Giggity giggity goo!

Subtitles : Brass

Transcript : Raceman